brahms

 i've been reading my early(circa 2004-06) entries, and i've realized how corny i sound. i've also noticed that i had a lot more to say during that time than i do now, the cause of which must be the fact that all i do in this office is crunch numbers and get cheques from customers. it just doesn't feel right to strike up a conversation from someone you're waiting to take money from. but that's just me and my twisted sense and sensibility. 

why don't i do sales? maybe because i'm not the folksy kind of person who can, as the idiom goes - make partnerships with potential customers(or should that be potential partners?). i think i'm lacking the basic social skills that usually goes into making sales. i could make an effort i guess, but i'd rather leave that kind of stuff to people who actually like people in general.

isn't it weird that after all these years the basic theme of my posts are still the same? i've been whining about the same thing for probably 5 years now, and i don't really see a resolution to this other than me getting kicked out of this office and left to fend for myself, or being abducted by aliens, or maybe win the lottery(but in that case all i can foresee is my parents getting the money and pouring it all back into the business in a sincere, albeit misguided thought that it would actually be what i want to do with my money). or maybe i can just stop whining and tell my parents once and for all that i don't want to stay here any longer(and i've been saying it in my head for the last 5 years so i should be quite proficient at saying it, if i ever do).

btw, i'm going to start a 365 day thingie where i post a picture a day(if i ever find time in my oh-so-busy schedule *sarcasm*). i was thinking of actually doing it simultaneously with an attempt to write out 50,000 words in a year, like a nanowrimo, except extended, and provided in little snippets below said pictures. i'd probably put it in a tumblr account though, just so it won't be tainted by my obsessive whining and overall pessimism in this lj account. :P

1. edwin
2. penny
3. jonathan
4. venice
5. faustine
6. jerome
7. lou
8. alodia
9. nope, don't do that in general
10. ate jess
11. lou
12. darla
13. dorts
14. angelique
15. yo
16. eric
17. edwin
18. venice
19. ate jess
20. raena
21. what the...?
22. still blank
23. hmm...
24. angelique
25. yo
26. umm..
27. how would i know?
28. giovanni, chewee
29. well if i knew someone then i wouldn't have to answer. :)
30. hi! how are you people?

i just realized that Times New Roman is UGLY! hehe, yun lang. will be updating my layout in the next few days

(X) eat at Manang’s.
( ) learn the alma mater. ALL I REMEMBER IS "MARY FOR YOU, FOR YOUR WHITE AND BLUE"
( ) get on the dean’s list.
(X) lie down and sleep on a bench along EDSA walk. ISN'T THAT WHAT THEY'RE FOR?
( ) be a TNT!
( ) jog around the campus in the evening.
( ) visit the art gallery.
(X) know at least one xerox lady, manong, or technician by name. DOES THEIR KNOWING MY NAME COUNT? HEHE, THE XEROX LADY SA MAY COLAYCO-KOSTKA
( ) get a Jesuit for a teacher
( ) itch from higad bites.
(X) have gotten an F in something. TAEKWONDO, OF ALL THE SUBJECTS, OH YEAH, THERE'S THAT PHILO THINGY TOO, I SUCK AT ORALS.
(X) have taken a crap in school. THIS SHOULD GO ALONG WITH THE READING GRAFFITI IN THE CR.
(X) watch a La Salle vs. Ateneo UAAP game. DUH
(X) give a powerpoint presentation. ISN'T THIS, LIKE, A REQUIRED SKILL IN ADMU?
(X) study in the caf upstairs
(X) watch a T.A play REQUIRED, MOST OF THEM
( ) sit on the SEC ledge and watch the stars.
(X) eat in Full House, Martha’s Kitchen, and Ken Afford. EXCEPT FOR FULL HOUSE
(X) sleep in the lib. FREE AIRCONDITIONING
( ) visit Mr. San Andres. WHO THE HELL?
(X) go to the chapel. ONCE, SOME REQUIRED THINGY AGAIN
( ) have gotten a pebble stuck in your shoe/slippers in the middle of the quad.
(X) cut class with your block to watch a movie. WATCH MOVIE, PLAY CS, PLAY BRIDGE, YOU NAME IT
( ) sign up for those institutional
( ) go to CERSA night.
(X) have tried siomai rice.
( ) learn how to smoke.
(?) fall in love. INFATUATION COUNTS RIGHT? OH C'MON, ITS LIKE, NOT POSSIBLE NOT TO.
( ) actually read the book you keep borrowing from the lib. THIS PRESUPPOSES I EVER BORROWED ANYTHING FROM THE LIB
(X) play cards during your free time. BRIDGE FOR 4 HOURS STRAIGHT THROUGH CLASSES
( ) dress in business attire. COMSCI IS A CASUAL THING
(X) learn to stay awake for more than 24 hours straight. WHO HASN'T? STRESS IS FUN!
( ) have gotten side comments from ASSOC.
( ) take (and enjoy) Saturday classes. I DON'T THINK ROTC COUNTS HERE
(X) go to your immersion. FUN FUN FUN! RURAL POOR A.K.A. MOUNTAIN HIKING
(X) eat Food for Thought sandwiches. ANYTHING AS LONG AS ITS SMOTHERED IN KETCHUP, MAYO AND MUSTARD
( ) get a boyfriend/girlfriend. WOULD YOU BE MY GELPREN, WOULD YOU BE MY GERL!!!
(X) take time to read the vandalism in the CR doors. WHILE DOING THE THING MENTIONED EARLIER
( ) watch “Minsan Lang Sila Bata” and “Macho Dancer” for class.
(X) do a last minute paper (like 2 hours before it’s due). I LOVE MY CONDO ACROSS THE SCHOOL
( ) have spent a lot for 1x1 ID pictures.
( ) get exempted from final exams.
( ) attend a college mass.
( ) promise to quit smoking.
( ) play hide-and-seek in the mini-forest. WTF FOR?
(X) know where the best restrooms are on campus. AS LONG AS ITS NEW AND HAS FEW PEOPLE, THE CTC RESTROOMS ARE NEW
(X) join an org. WELL, I WANTED TO JOIN CELADON FOR 4 YEARS STRAIGHT, BUT ALWAYS MISS THE RECRUITMENT, OTHER ORGS I JOINED THOUGH, COURSE ORGS
(X) allow yourself to make mistakes. DEPENDS WHAT YOU CONSIDER MISTAKES
( ) admire the sacred heart statue in the evening.
(X) make a video for a project. PSYCHOLOGY XXX
( ) have a crush on a teacher. NOPE, NONE WORTHY
( ) attend a Jesuit retreat.
( ) have gotten a parking ticket.
(X) come to school in your crappiest yet most comfy clothes. CONDO ACROSS ATENEO RULEZ!
( ) learn how to use the Bayantel pay phones.
( ) participate in school activities.
( ) catch the Blue Babble Battalion tryouts.
( ) date an Atenean. DATE? WHAT'S THAT? IF IT MEANS GOING OUT WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX THEN YES.
(X) ride a tricycle on campus. WALKING IS SUCH A CHORE SOMETIMES WHEN YOU HAVE FLAT FEET
(X) find a tambayan. CTC WALK, THE BERKS TAMBAYAN FOR HOT TIME SHOW
(X) admire the marikina valley at night. DRIVING IS SO BORING SOMETIMES
(X) go drinking along Katipunan. CONDO RULZ!
(X) learn how to beg for a higher grade. HA! I BEGGED JUST TO PASS MY QPI
(X) use your cuts wisely. WELL I CUT PRETTY OFTEN BUT NEVER MAXIMIZED, AT LEAST I STILL HAVE CUTS AVAILABLE FOR THOSE 'NECCESARY' CUTS LIKE MOVIES, ETC.
( ) volunteer to be class beadle
( ) had the worst lottery schedule for reg (or random number in latter years). VARSITY, EARLY REGISTRATION ROCKS IF YOU'RE ALSO ONE OF THE FIRST THERE.
( ) admire the trees on campus. EMMMM...WEIRD
(X) have forgotten about your freecut and gone to that class. ITS NOT ABOUT FORGETTING, RATHER, NOT HEARING ABOUT IT.
(X) eat in the ISO canteen. SISIG!!!
( ) be active in your org.
( ) have signed up on an ACP class just because the girl or guy you like signed up for it.
( ) get as many app forms as you can during the job fair.PUNYETA I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO THE JOBFAIR
(X) learn how to cram (and still get A’s). HIGHEST I EVER GOT IS A B, BUT I CRAM PRETTY WELL
(X) sell tickets (or watch) an org-sponsored movie premiere. I'M NAIVE AND TRUSTING
(X) save money to Xerox all of your seatmate’s notes. I XEROXED THEM BUT DIDN'T SAVE MONEY
( ) have accidentally seen a make-out session.
(X) check out the Meron Lagoon and Lambingan Bridge. WALKED AROUND IT
(X) have dozed off in class in Bel right after a class in CTC/SOM/Comm. Bldg or vice-versa. WELL, I SLEEP PRETTY MUCH IN EVERY CLASS, BUT IT WOULD PROBABLY HAPPEN MORE OFTEN HERE.
(X) learn how to work with group mates from hell. YEP, KEEP THEM AS FAR AWAY FROM YOU AS POSSIBLE
(X) perfect the art of parking on campus. PARKING IS EASY ON CAMPUS, YOU SHOULD TRY PARKING AT DIVISORIA, OR EVEN JUST AT DLSU
( ) had a bad encounter with one of the guards on campus.
(X) develop a love for sisig. ISO CAF!!! ALSO SOME GOOD SISIG AT BILLIARDS AND UP
(X) learn how to pronounce “AEGIS” properly. WELL, I ALWAYS KNEW THE SPELLING
( ) have used typing rooms at the library.
(X) have reserved a classroom, AVR, etc. for a class or org function. IATENEO
( ) have asked the library for an endorsement to research in other libraries
( ) have lost a perfectly functioning umbrella.
(X) have used consultation hours properly. IN CASES GROUPMATES DRAGGED ME THERE.
( ) looked forward to lab breakage refund, in case you didn’t break any equipment.
(X) visit the Guidance Office.
(X) and Infirmary.

i'm annoyed. by people. in general.

don't know what's been going through my mind lately. all i want to do is stay home and play RF Online, or watch Star Trek Voyager DVD's from season 1-7. i can hardly work for more than an hour before feeling like i need a break and wondering why i have to work on this crap. my nights are spent doing the two things i've mentioned earlier and fending off invites to go out from my cadre of unemployed/dependent on parent friends who don't have cars yet want to go hang somewhere other than at home and have too much free time to know what to do with it. on the other hand, the other half of my cadre spend so much time at work that they're rarely free, and if they are don't really feel like going out with us and waste a whole night doing nothing but sitting around cracking jokes and making nonsense.

maybe mom was right(!) when she has that disapproving look in her eyes whenever she asks me about one of my friends and discover(again) that they still haven't really done anything with their life other than attend school. and these friends of mine are already approaching mid 20's. maybe they are bad influences, or at least unprofitable influences who dissuade me from getting work done. as if i needed more dissuading. i'm already lazy enough as it is.

it even translates to having relations with people too. i'm too lazy to cultivate relationships/build networks with people who mihgt be beneficial to know. i can't remember names or facts about a particular person that was introduced to me, and i can't make the effort of trying to converse with them. most of my conversations come about due to lack of adequate excuses to NOT have to talk to someone. and it starts to get irritating after that and i'm already thinking of ways to end conversations respectfully.

it happens every time. i can't stick to the point long enough to make a point, since i'd rather ALWAYS get it done and over with. my thoughts during these times include wishing they'd get my point ASAP so i don't have to explain anymore or i don't have to talk to them anymore. i don't mind listening, but thinking of things to say has got me stumped.

i've met some unresponsive people in my life, from those who answer with grunts, to those who totally ignore me. i just didn't think that one of my friends would start acting that way towards me specifically. hell yeah i'm annoyed.

me : hey are you going to grace this saturday?
friend(?) : nope
me(after waiting around 10 seconds) : why not?
friend(?) : eye doctor appointment

tell me, can anyone hold a conversation with someone like this? tit-for-tat, 1 question, 1 answer, no need to elaborate, i feel like i'm cross-examining a witness in a murder case. any time when i ask a question i'm just waiting for someone to shout "Objection! Question is irrelevant!" at me.

i don't even know what to say anymore, i don't even know what to add to the end of a 'happy birthday' text. how pathetic is that?

maybe its like a built-in self destruct system designed to ensure that i'll be a bachelor for life, or that i'll be stuck with someone i don't like since that's the only type of person who'll want to be with me in a relationship. i'm doomed to failure even before i start. what's the point of suffering all this? its not as if i'm so christian that i can expect anything from God when i finish all this suffering. not having an afterlife really sucks after all, since i'm making such a big mess of my life here.


maybe i'm just not cut out for real life, i feel like a guy who can't swim hanging by the shore, and the ocean is the world. i can splash around on shallow water, but when i feel the tug of a current, i quickly scramble back up. i don't have the guts to dive in and swim around. i can sit on the shore and talk about the ocean, i can see the waves, describe them. i know there are currents, even when i can't see them. but its too big for me, too violent, too unsure for me to want to swim with the fishes.

so here i am, stuck on the shore, grasping at life while it flows away. and no one wants me, because they know i can't swim with them. they know i'll just stay near the shore, watching them swim around.

one thing about my thoughts, they never last for more than a few hours at most. i had something i thought of writing but its all gone now.

the thoughts running through my head lately are about love and relationships, and they sound cheesy most of the time.

oh, now i remember. wouldn't it be ironic if you started hating someone you really liked because you hated how you made a fool of yourself every time you talk to them? theoretically, its possible, but then it would have been a shallow kind of liking to be overshadowed so easily by dislike at yourself for acting the fool in front of them. i do sometimes try to avoid people i feel awkward with, well, awkward because i like them, and rather watch them from afar.

not that i'm awkward with everyone i like, it's just some people have that effect on me.


sigh... maybe i'm thinking these thoughts because they happen frequently, or maybe i'm just stuck in the forefront and have to witness these things firsthand... not only witness but experience too.

maybe i should revive this blog, just for the sake that i need a blog that's separate from the one that's known all throughout my universe, and the fact that xanga only posts 5 most recent entries in their front page, grr...

anyways i just needed a place to post my random thoughts that didn't really seem to fit anywhere else.


sigh... one thing about friends who tried to be more than friends but end up being just friends, is that you're not sure anymore how friends act and how its different from being more than friends. so its a large gray area with a lot of potential for inadvertent disaster, one way or another.

we start to neglect the little things, like being considerate, or even being gentlemanly, because we're trying too consciously to get into the role of being 'just friends'. we take each other for granted, except in a worse way, just to be sure that we're not crossing the line. it seems that that's the bad thing about being told off in such a way. that in trying to be just friends, we're treating each other more like acquaintances or 'barkadamate', if there's such a thing. we refrain from doing anything that would have the slightest chance of being misinterpreted, not knowing that it was those very things that got you close as friends. maybe the way you banter, the way you act, the way you joke around.



of course, one thing about writing in LJ after neglecting it for so long is that i don't know who knows about this blog. argh, story of my life.

hello, i'm back, relatively, since i've been blogging elsewhere. but lately, a lot of people know about my blog and its irritating me, although i do crave attention, sometime i just want to write what i want to write without wondering if my friends or someone else would take offense. hmm.. so the only people who would know about this blog are the blogs i comment on at lj, and my sister. hmm...